One of the most difficult lessons for young athletes—and sometimes for their parents—is that being a member of a team does not guarantee equal playing time.
Middle school and high school athletics are about much more than winning and losing. They are about learning commitment, discipline, teamwork, perseverance, accountability, and how to handle disappointment. One of the most valuable lessons an athlete can learn is that sometimes you work hard and still don't get the outcome you want.
In today's world, we sometimes hear the message that everyone should receive the same recognition, the same opportunities, and the same rewards simply because they participated. While inclusion and encouragement are extremely important, competitive athletics operates differently.
Playing time is earned—not automatically given.
I Know What It Is Like to Sit on the Bench
I don't say this simply as an administrator, coach, or someone looking from the outside. I experienced it myself.
My football career started in seventh grade. I was excited to put on the uniform, practice with my teammates, and finally play the game I loved. But during that entire seventh-grade season, I didn't play once.
Not one game.
Not one meaningful snap.
I remember what that felt like.
Then, in eighth grade, our football season was cancelled by budget cuts. Another opportunity to develop and compete was taken away.
It would have been easy to become frustrated. It would have been easy to blame the coaches. It would have been easy to decide that football wasn't for me.
Instead, I made a different choice.
I went to work.
I worked harder. I lifted weights. I practiced harder. I worked on getting stronger and becoming a better football player. I didn't demand playing time. I didn't believe I was entitled to a starting position. I understood that if I wanted an opportunity, I had to prepare myself for it.
And I kept working.
By my senior year, that work had paid off. I was voted First Team All-Conference as a center.
The kid who didn't play a single snap in seventh grade eventually became a First Team All-Conference football player.
That didn't happen because someone guaranteed me playing time.
It happened because I didn't allow not playing to become an excuse.
The Lesson Was Bigger Than Football
Looking back, I realize that sitting on the bench may have been one of the most important parts of my athletic career.
If I had played every game from seventh grade forward, I might never have learned the same lessons about patience, perseverance, preparation, and overcoming disappointment.
Sometimes the hardest seasons of an athlete's career are the ones that teach the most.
Being told "not yet" can motivate a young person to get better.
Being behind another player can teach humility.
Not getting the recognition you want can teach perseverance.
And sitting on the bench can teach you how to support your teammates even when you wish you were the one on the field.
Those are lessons that don't show up in a box score.
Being on the Team Is an Accomplishment
Making a middle school or high school team is something to be proud of. It means an athlete has committed time, effort, and energy to becoming part of something bigger than themselves.
But making the team and earning significant playing time are two different things.
Coaches have the responsibility to make decisions about lineups, substitutions, positions, and playing time based on what they believe is best for the team. Those decisions may consider skill, effort, preparation, attitude, game situation, position needs, teamwork, discipline, and many other factors.
Not every athlete will agree with every decision—and that's okay.
Learning how to respectfully disagree, accept a decision, and continue working is part of becoming a mature athlete.
Hard Work Does Not Always Guarantee a Starting Position
One of the hardest lessons in athletics is that hard work does not always produce an immediate reward.
An athlete may practice every day, give great effort, and still sit on the bench. That can be frustrating. It can hurt. It can make an athlete question themselves.
But the answer should not always be, "The coach is wrong."
Sometimes the answer is:
"Keep working."
Ask questions. Listen to the coach. Identify areas for improvement. Become a better teammate. Improve conditioning, fundamentals, decision-making, or understanding of the game. Then go back to work.
Sports provide young people with an opportunity to experience something that life will teach them repeatedly:
You don't always get what you want simply because you want it or because you worked hard.
How you respond to that disappointment often matters more than the disappointment itself.
Parents Have an Important Role
Parents naturally want the best for their children. When a child isn't playing, it can be difficult for a parent to sit quietly and watch.
But parents should be careful not to turn their child's disappointment into their own battle.
Calling or confronting a coach after every game, demanding playing time, questioning every decision, or comparing one child to another can unintentionally teach the wrong lesson.
Instead, parents can ask:
"Are you having fun?"
"What did you learn today?"
"What can you work on?"
"Did you give your best effort?"
"What did your coach tell you to improve?"
"How can you help your team even when you're not playing?"
Those questions help develop responsibility and resilience.
A parent who immediately tries to fix every disappointment may unintentionally prevent their child from learning how to handle adversity independently.
The Bench Can Be a Classroom, Too
Sitting on the bench doesn't mean an athlete has nothing to contribute.
Players can encourage teammates, study the game, communicate, support injured teammates, learn from more experienced players, and be ready when their opportunity comes.
Some of the greatest lessons in athletics happen when nobody is watching.
Can you stay positive when you're disappointed?
Can you support the teammate playing ahead of you?
Can you accept coaching?
Can you keep practicing when you aren't sure when your opportunity will come?
Can you congratulate a teammate who earned your position?
Those are character-building experiences.
Competitive Sports Are Supposed to Be Competitive
There is an important distinction between participation and competition.
Youth programs designed primarily for participation may appropriately emphasize equal opportunities and playing time.
Middle school and high school teams often have a competitive component. Coaches are responsible for developing athletes and competing as a team. That means playing time will not necessarily be equal.
This does not mean every athlete is less important.
A team needs starters, substitutes, role players, practice players, defensive specialists, pitchers, reserves, leaders, encouragers, and players who may not see the court or field very often.
Every role has value—but every role is not the same.
Entitlement Can Rob Athletes of an Important Life Lesson
When young people begin to believe that they are entitled to playing time, starting positions, awards, or recognition, they can miss one of the greatest benefits of athletics.
Sports teach us that there are things we control and things we don't.
We control our preparation.
We control our effort.
We control our attitude.
We control how we treat our teammates.
We control how we respond to coaching.
We do not control the coach's lineup.
We do not control who starts.
We do not control how many minutes we play.
And we certainly don't control whether someone else is better at a particular skill.
Learning to focus on what we can control is a lesson that extends far beyond sports.
Don't Let "Not Playing" Become Your Identity
Perhaps the most important lesson I learned from my own experience is this:
Not playing today does not mean you won't play tomorrow.
Seventh-grade me could not have known what senior-year me would accomplish.
The player sitting on the bench today may become tomorrow's starter.
The athlete who is struggling today may become a leader tomorrow.
The young person who feels overlooked today may eventually accomplish something nobody expected.
But none of that happens if the athlete quits.
Don't let disappointment define you.
Let it motivate you.
Use it as fuel.
Go to practice.
Lift the weights.
Study the game.
Listen to your coaches.
Become a better teammate.
Get stronger.
Get better.
And when your opportunity comes, be ready.
The Goal Is Bigger Than Playing Time
The ultimate goal of middle school and high school athletics shouldn't simply be to produce athletes who score the most points or receive the most playing time.
It should be to help young people become better people.
Athletics can teach discipline, sacrifice, humility, leadership, teamwork, perseverance, accountability, and how to handle both success and failure.
Those lessons may stay with a student long after the final game, the last season, and the last uniform have been put away.
So when an athlete doesn't get the playing time they hoped for, perhaps the most important question isn't:
"Why isn't my child playing?"
Perhaps it is:
"What can my child learn from this experience?"
I know what can happen when a young athlete chooses to keep working.
I started seventh grade without playing a single snap.
I kept working.
I lifted weights.
I practiced.
I stayed committed.
And by my senior year, I was voted First Team All-Conference as a center.
The lesson I took from that experience has stayed with me throughout my life:
You don't have to be given an opportunity. Sometimes you have to work until you are ready when the opportunity finally comes.
Because sometimes the greatest victory isn't getting more minutes on the scoreboard.
Sometimes it's becoming the person you needed to be when your opportunity arrived.
Not everyone gets equal playing time. But every athlete deserves the opportunity to learn, grow, work, contribute, and become better because they were part of the team.
Dr. William Stitt
Fremont Community Schools - Superintendent